


Solitude (It would be Too Beautiful)

by safe_haven



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Autistic Dipper Pines, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29372793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/safe_haven/pseuds/safe_haven
Summary: In the months following Weirdmaggedon, Dipper dreams of Bill Cipher. The results are (nearly) deadly.**A short story.
Relationships: Dipper Pines & Ford Pines, Dipper Pines & Mabel Pines, Dipper Pines & Stan Pines, Ford Pines & Mabel Pines, Ford Pines & Stan Pines, Mabel Pines & Stan Pines
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. PM HJOPSSLZ JVBSK ZLL TL UVD

**Author's Note:**

> !!!TW FOR: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, MENTIONS OF SENSORY INDUCED MELTDOWNS, NIGHTMARES!!!

Dipper is curled, as he is a lot, at the foot of his bed. All of his blankets have been pushed to the floor, the bed space now being taken up by book after book. 

Contrary to popular belief, Dipper is not only the STEM student of Ford’s dreams. He is also a teenager (kind of). YA books surround him on his bed, bookmarked and highlighted and annotated to the heavens. He is hugging  _ The Fault in Our Stars  _ to his chest as he sleeps. 

There is no one in the room awake to witness the soft rise and fall of his chest. His hair flops slowly upward, revealing his birthmark. He is quiet and at peace for the first time in a long time. 

He is dreaming of rolling the infinity die. It lands on a picture of fields, and suddenly he is lying in tall grass. The sky above him is a brilliant blue. A breeze smooths over his arms and legs, covering him in the best kind of cold. 

He recognizes that he is dreaming, and he embraces the goodness of his unconscious fantasizing. He sits up in the grass, fully intending to go find some beautiful bugs or perhaps, another human to share this moment with. 

The wind began to pick up a little bit, tugging at the back of Dipper’s hat. He pulled it sluggishly back onto his head, still caught up in the honey-like feeling of the dream. 

A few dark clouds were hovering just beyond the line where the ground met the sky. They slowly began to drift towards him. He accepted them with a small, tired smile. 

“Well, well, well. Pinetree. If it isn’t you.” 

The voice set every one of his organs on fire. 

“Bill? Where are you?” He meant to shout, but it came out as more of a weak cry. 

The laugh billowed around him, engulfing the landscape in fire. The grass around Dipper went up in smoke almost instantaneously. 

“What do you want? Show yourself!” Dipper cried out again. His voice broke. His arms burned with the bad memories creeping down them. His heartbeat was picking up, a million miles a minute, his chest was aching with the sudden inability to breathe. The sky was painted black with a sudden and mighty stroke.

“Calm down, Pinetree!” Bill laughed. His form appeared someone in the dark sky, hazy at first but solidifying as he got closer to Dipper. “I just want to have a little chat.” 

“I-I don’t want to talk to you!” Dipper interjected. “I won’t do anything for you, Bill! You won’t trick anyone in my family again. W-We defeated you!” 

“Oh, but  _ did you?”  _

A game of chess appeared in front of Dipper, hovering in midair. Bill considered the board before carefully moving a piece. 

“We’re in the dreamscape, kid,” he said, twirling his cane thoughtfully. “Are you going to make a move or no?” 

Dipper stared, his face a mixture of disgust and fear. He was too scared to move his mouth, let alone any part of his body. Bill sighed dejectedly, deciding to take matters into his own hands. He dove forward, straight into Dipper’s mouth. 

Dipper’s eyes became a frightening yellow. His arms twitched once, and then he threw his head back. Bill’s laugh came out. He moved a chess piece on the board. Then, Cipher came flying up through Dipper’s throat, spilling out into his former position on the other side of the game. Dipper gagged heavily. 

“I just came to  _ talk,  _ Pinetree. No harm, no foul.” 

“I don’t want to talk to you. This isn’t real. It’s just a dream.” 

“Of course it’s just a dream. You know what else was a dream? Me stealing the code for the safe at the Shack. You dreamed up a whole portal to get me out of Stan’s mind. Wasn’t that a dream, kid? And yet, it was real, no?” 

Dipper swallowed back bile. The base of his spine was starting to tingle, and he shook out his shoulders to try to get rid of the feeling. 

“But how are you real? We d-” 

“I  _ HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!”  _ Cipher roared. His body glowed red with anger. “I get it! The Pines family defeated me!” 

Dipper flinched. He moved another piece on the board, terrified of what the consequences were if he hadn’t. 

“Sorry,” Bill laughed. “Lost my temper there for a second. Ha-ha.” His body returned to normal. “As I was saying, I just want to talk to you. Just want to catch up, for old time’s sake.” 

Dipper was silent, letting chess pan out for a few more minutes. He realized that trying to wake up or talk Bill out of whatever game he was trying to play was worthless. 

“I’ve been thinking lately, Pinetree.” Here it comes. “I’ve been thinking about how you’re an annoying little  _ bitch _ .” Dipper didn’t react. “And how no one loves you, not even your family. I mean, think about all you’ve done for them. Giving up time and resources for Mabel. Giving up your  _ dreams  _ for her. I mean, come on. You could have been Fordy’s little apprentice but you didn’t want Shooting Star to feel left out.” 

Dipper didn’t agree. He didn’t disagree. 

“And yet, they don’t love you. You work so hard to make yourself loveable, kid, but at the end of the day, you are so deeply and fundamentally different from them. You are barely human. You are nothing. Nothing. You can’t be loved.” 

Dipper did not disagree. 

Maybe he did agree. 

“Why are you saying all this?” he deadpanned. 

“Because it’s true.  _ And _ , because I could use a new puppet. I can’t get out of this stupid space-” To prove it, he grew 50x too big, pushing at the corners of the sky. Sharp pain prodded at the space below Dipper’s eyebrow, and he groaned. “-so I can’t possess anyone. But, if you were to come to the Nightmare Realm with me…” 

It took a few seconds to realize what Bill was implying. 

“I’m not.. I’m not going to kill myself for you.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to kill yourself for me, Pinetree. Why don’t you do it for yourself? I mean, come on. You’re in pain all the time. Every minute is another panic attack. Your body can’t handle another episode. Your body can’t handle another meltdown.” 

He was going to say more, but Dipper cut him off. 

“Stop. How did you- how do you- you  _ know,  _ not even Mabel… not even Mabel knows, but you do, you know-” 

“What, that you’re autistic? Come on, Pinetree. Come on. Your body can’t handle another meltdown.” 

And then Dipper was under his bed again, trying to bury himself beneath a pile of books to simulate pressure. He was rocking back and forth, his teeth grinding and his hands pressed against his ears. His arms and legs were covered in bruises from weak attempts to get the noise to stop. 

His body couldn’t handle another meltdown. 

“Just kill yourself. Join me in the Nightmare realm. They won’t miss you. I promise.” Bill got closer, pushing the board game to the side. It went spinning through the air, then shrieked and melted into a puddle of blood. “I can take this physical form away from you, Dipper. I can make the pain stop. I promise.” 

And Dipper woke up. 

The dream, if it was that, was imprinted on his brain. From the color of the sky outside, it was most likely early, early in the morning. 3 or 4. Mabel snored lazily across the room from him. 

It took 2 minutes for him to decide. 

There were a million thoughts racing through his head. Dipper’s body couldn’t handle another meltdown. He tried so hard to be loveable and he kept falling short. He was so fundamentally different- 

He tore a piece of paper from the journal that Ford had let him keep. 

_ Mabel,  _ he wrote. 

After a few minutes of writing, he was ready. 

He climbed out of the window, dropping to the roof carefully and sliding down a column. The world was quiet and still around him. He crept slowly across the yard, eyes fixed on the cliff formed by the UFO millions of years ago.


	2. CRAZED ASS COSMONAUT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story updates every Friday until end of story. 
> 
> Ford calls Dipper 'Mason' when they're alone and I WILL fight someone over it.

Mabel is snoring peacefully in her bed. Waddles is laid out on the floor beside the bed, snorting every few seconds as if mimicking his friend’s sounds. 

“Good,” Ford breathed out. “Good. Mabel is safe.” 

He had woken from a heavy sleep with a sudden flare of anxiety, every fiber of his being drawn to the younger twin’s room. But Mabel, it seemed, was safe. He turned to check on Dipper. 

Dipper was not in his bed. 

Ice tore through Ford’s body, ripping up his throat, his heart, his stomach. He tried to rationalize it, explain it away. Surely Dipper had only awoken early to go hunting for another harmless monster. Perhaps today is the day he will meet the Leprocorn. 

But the Journals. They were all still in place. 

Ford began to pace, chewing on the pad of his thumb. A million thoughts were racing through his mind. Could it have been Bill? Ford knew that he had possessed Dipper’s body once before and-

_No._ They had defeated Bill. It couldn’t be him. Bill was gone. He wasn’t coming back. Ford set one of his hands against the wall to steady himself. Mabel stirred behind him but quickly settled back down. 

The cliff. The alien created crater. Dipper had to be there. 

☄☄☄

What has Mabel ever sacrificed for Dipper? 

Going back through every one of their amazing summer adventures, Dipper finds the same story scrawled across the memories in invisible ink. Dipper sacrifices something for Mabel. Mabel never does anything in return. Barely says thank you. 

And still, he is left out. Eating cold breakfast because no one bothered to tell him it was ready. Fixing his own lunch because they forgot about him, though he was sitting on the stairs by the door. He listened endlessly to his own life play out before him, and yet it seems that Fate has forgotten he exists. 

Dipper once watched snails and vines grow on Mabel’s body because her sadness was too much to bear. He begins to feel the same depression creeping on his skin. He prays that the forest will take him before he can jump. He thinks that will be much easier than death. 

He thinks about this as he watches his legs swing from the bridge that’s still under repair. He thinks about the damage he’s caused this town. He thinks about the damage he’s caused himself. 

How long has he been suicidal? How long has he looked at his wrists and seen nothing but scar tissue? 

He supposes it doesn’t matter now. Nothing does. 

☄☄☄

“Mason!” Ford cries out. He is watching his nephew kick his feet from above. Dipper doesn’t react to his name. 

Ford hurries down to the abandoned tunnel, creeping out onto the damaged bridge. He stops when he is a few yards away from Dipper, afraid to get any closer. 

“Hey,” he says, out of breath with panic. “Hey, Dipper. Can you look at me?” 

Dipper doesn’t respond. 

“Dipper, are you thinking about jumping?” 

Well, straight to the point, he guesses. No more secrets between them and all. No use in beating around the bush. 

“Yes.” 

It was a stupid question, now that Ford thinks about it. Dipper is sitting on the edge of a bridge, after all, looking wistfully at the ground. 

“Can you tell me why? What happened?” 

Dipper has always hated it when people ask him _what happened._ He has been in a constant state of being suicidal since he was young; there is no rhyme or reason to bad days or sudden urges. He understands that there’s a reason now; having a demon show up in your dreams to tell you to kill yourself isn’t the most comforting thing in the world. 

Still. 

The question only makes him grow angry. 

“What _happened?”_ he snapped. His skin was starting to heat up. “What do you mean what happened? Don’t you know, doesn’t everyone _kno-”_

“Dipper. I did not mean to offend you. You know this. Please just talk me through what has led you to this place. You’re scaring us, Dipper. The constant nightmares, the nonverbal days. If your acute stress reactions last any longer, we’ll have to…” 

“Send me to a psychiatrist,” Dipper finished. “I know.” 

There was a beat of silence. 

“I had a nightmare about Bill,” he finally whispered. “He was telling me about the nightmare realm, about how much better it is than this place. He knew things about me, knew that my body can’t handle another-- but that’s not the point. He told me he could make the pain stop. All I have to do is…” 

Ford sucked in a breath. His arms were itching to protect his nephew, but he didn’t dare step any closer. Dipper was in a dangerous and unpredictable state. Anything and everything could set him off and send him quite literally over the edge. 

“I know you’re in pain. Trust me, I know. After I realized what Bill was, I.. I went half-mad. Tried to tear the vein out of my wrist in guilt. Then I tried to hang myself, shoot myself, overdose. I finally just isolated myself. There’s no cure to being suicidal, Mason. I’m not going to lie to you. Most days I wish I were sitting where you are now. I know what it’s like to be so different you feel as though you’re living on the wrong side of an unbridgeable gap. Mason, I know it’s _excruciating._ I can’t tell you life is worth living, son. I don’t know if it is. But I can tell you that we love you. Me, Mabel, Stan. We love you so much. There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do to take this pain from you, Dipper. I need you to know that.” 

Dipper laughed bitterly. 

“Then what’s the point? Why should I stay alive? I don’t care if you love me. It won’t be my problem anymore. I’ll be dead.” 

“Mason Pines. Do not speak like that. You crazed boy. A world as weird as this _needs_ you in it.” 

_Crazed boy_ was right. 

Maybe there wasn’t a point in living. Dipper slowly stood up. Ford smiled softly, reaching out a hand. He assumed Dipper would turn around, grasp his arms and go home with him. Instead, Dipper began to lean forward. 

“ _DIPPER!”_

The scream held unimaginable pain. 

Ford lurched forward, yanking at Dipper’s arms and dragging him back onto the bridge. They both came crashing on top of each other. 

“What are you doing?” Ford cried out. Dipper stumbled away from him, tears spilling down his face. His teeth were set in anger, and he screamed. 

“I _hate you!_ Let me go! You should have killed yourself when you had the chance!” 

Dipper froze suddenly, the weight of his words slamming into his chest. It knocked the breath out of him. Ford was still sitting where he had been, looking up at Dipper in worry. 

“I didn’t mean that,” he mumbled. “I’m so sorry.” Ford shook his head, climbing to his feet and holding out a steadying hand to Dipper. 

“It’s okay, boy. I know. I know the pain you are feeling. I’ve said things in my time, things to my parents, things to Stan. You couldn’t imagine some of the bridges I’ve had to burn to get where I am. Mason, how the universe cries for us.” 

Dipper turned around, facing the rest of the world once again. Was he ready to die? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment or a kudo, babe. Until next time. Stay weird. △𓂌


	3. EIPX GU WHV QDCGL!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KEY: PINES

Mabel is content with chopping up the eggs on the grill for Stan’s breakfast. She’s going a little feral, screaming  _ CHOP CHOP CHOP!  _ every chance she gets. Stan doesn’t mind this; he sips at his coffee and reads the newspaper. 

They’ve been spending more time together after Weirdmageddon as if terrified of losing the other again. The span of time in which Stan didn’t know where his kids were… well, he wouldn’t wish that on anyone else. 

Ford has been a huge help in that; as much as they bicker, Stan is grateful that he’s taking care of Dipper. They’re good for each other, he thinks. 

“BREAKFAST IS SERVED!” Mabel screeches. She’s gone absolutely mad. Stan adores her for it. 

She is slapping down pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs, into respective plates covered with napkins. She’s spinning and singing. She is so unlike the world around her. She is color in a world of black and white. 

“Go check on the nerds,” Stan sighs as he stands up. He pats her back, sending her towards the general direction of the secret underground bunker. “See if they want some breakfast.”

She complies readily, hopping excitedly through the house as she calls for their brothers. When she awoke this morning, Dipper was nowhere to be found, and neither was Ford. She assumed this meant they were in the bunker doing nerd stuff again, so that’s what she told Stan. 

When she discovers the bunker empty, she recoils a little in shock. 

Something like anxiety creeps into her stomach. 

She runs back up to their shared space in the attic. Maybe the invisible wizard had turned Dipper invisible too, right? Maybe he was just hiding in the closet. Maybe Dipper had been in bed this whole time and maybe Mabel just needed glasses. 

Relief flooded her system when Mabel picked up the piece of paper lying on his bed in his place. Of course! He and Ford had just gone for another adventure, and-

_ I can’t take this anymore, Mabel. _

The scream Mabel let out shook the house. 

Stan was running, brass knuckles being fitted onto his bruised wrists. “Pumpkin!” he was yelling, thundering up the stairs. “Pumpkin, what’s wrong?” He slammed the door to the attic open. 

Mabel shoved the note towards him, tears violently attacking her face. She started to pace heavily, wretched sobs racking her small frame.

“Hey, sweetie, it’s okay,” Stan soothed. “Where could he be? Just think of places he could be; I’m willing to bet Ford’s with him and they’re okay. Okay?” 

Stan scooped her up without waiting for a response, running them out to the car as she choked out places she thought he could be. He didn’t know what scene awaited them at their destination, and he wasn’t 100 percent sure that Mabel, a kid, should be coming along. But it was her right. She had to see for herself whatever Dipper had gotten himself into. 

They drove first to the water tower (something about a letter from Bill Cipher), then to the museum (“Maybe he just wanted to erase his memory?”). Finally, they went full speed for the crater that Dipper always seemed so interested in. 

☄☄☄

Dipper had wandered back to the edge, staring off into nothingness. He was slowly beginning to talk to Ford, tell him about his life aspirations, telling him that he was in love with one of his best friends, that he was a cat person and not a dog person. 

Then, two idiots came rushing out of the abandoned cave, yelling for Dipper’s attention. 

And he shut down again. 

Stan and Mabel ran to Dipper, pulling him away from the edge. Mabel tried to bury herself into his chest, gripping tightly to the back of his shirt. He pushed her away, face cold and emotionless.  Mabel took a step back, shocked. Only Ford had seen Dipper’s breakdowns, his violent episodes, his panic attacks. Mabel had no idea how to react. 

“Oh, leave him alone,” Ford said. “Knuckleheads. Give the kid some space.” He pushed Mabel and Stan until they’re stumbling away. Ford could tell by the way his shoulders have tensed that it’s going to take some time to coax Dipper out of his stupor again. 

“Dipper, please don’t jump,” Mabel begged. “Dipper, you’re my other half. You’re my _brother._ My _twin._ I need you here. I’ll miss you.” 

Dipper shrugged off her words. 

“Dipper! You cannot be kidding. Look at me. Look in my eyes.” Dipper slowly obeys. He sees terror and worry in Mabel’s eyes. She sees no emotion looking back into his. 

“You can’t have already forgotten our pact,” she says. “Where you go, I’m going. So jump, and I’m jumping. There is no me without you. Come on, Dipper. Get down from here. Won’t you get off the bridge?” 

She holds out her scrapbook that she had grabbed before leaving: an invitation. 

“God, please just  _ shut the fuck up _ ,” Dipper mutters. He pushes the hair out of his eyes. He wishes Mabel would shut up, wishes the pact of their youth had stayed there. He wishes he would’ve jumped before Mabel found him up here. 

“Dipper, kid,” Stan tries. “Hey, I know what it’s like to want to leave this world. Trust me, I do. But you’re strong. A lot stronger than I was at your age. A lot stronger than I am now. Remember when I was lying to you about this town? The crazy stuff you did, Dipper. And you were brave. Are brave. This crazy-ass kid in front of me. Fought a horde of zombies. Battled a dream demon. Outsmarted a shapeshifter. Oh, kid. What would we do without you?” 

For the first time since he climbed up to the bridge, Dipper began to cry. 

“You are not alone. Bill’s not here and even if the memory of him still is, you don’t have to face that alone.” 

It was hard, Ford knew, for the first few weeks after Bill was defeated. Dipper’s flashbacks and nightmares increased in intensity every day. When he wasn’t with Ford, he was locked in the closet or bathroom. When he was with Ford, he wouldn’t speak much.   


Most days, he was too engulfed in memories to even speak. he suffered heavily with chest pain, a pounding heart, and crippling paranoia and hysteria. Ford’s heart broke for his boy over and over again. 

“Dipper, please get off the roof. You’re going to have to be brave for me here. The most dangerous thing you’re ever going to do is love.” 

“He’s right,” Ford chimed in. “You will have to heal and rise above.”

Dipper didn’t respond at first. He seemed, again, trapped in his own mind. 


End file.
